There comes a time when all that once mattered to us and held the centre of our universe gets pulled down by gravity,
A time when friends that promised never to leave us,leave without a reason,
A time when lovers leave without a goodbye,
A time when letting go is all we have to do to keep our sanity,
A time when nothing but the happiness we ourselves can give to our person becomes all that matters,
A time when love would no longer give happily ever after,
A time when love would forever cease to exist 'cos maybe then,tears and pain would forever vanish for what is love when it is just like hate and what is it if it is not guaranteed?"
She dropped her pen,closed her diary and drifted off as nature took its course.
"Ifedolapo,ifeeeeeeee"
She woke up to the voice of her mother who had raised the curtains and was tugging slightly at the duvet covering her. She blinked severally to adjust her pupils to the amount of light entering and finally gave a yawn as she greeted her mother.
"E kaaro maami"
"Kaaro ifemi,how was your night?"Her mother asked.
"My night was fine maami,I slept like never before."She said and averted her eyes because she knew she had just told a lie. Her night wasn't fine,her night had never been fine. From the unending nightmares to the tears that soiled her pillow every night,it had always been a cycle of depression. She wasn't fine,she hoped she would be one day.
"Adupe lowo olorun. Your father called though,he asks that you come over for a visit tomorrow. I guess it's high time you met your other family. He wants you to be at Kolapo's welcome party tomorrow also."
Ife stopped to think about that. "Other family?"She thought. Her mother had said that like her father had two families when in fact,he had just one,one that had never included them and never will. They weren't his family,they had never been. She wasn't even legitimate,you could call her a bastard,she had no father,okay,maybe she did but of what point was an excuse of a father who merely existed,not to her though,just to her mother who still carried a touch for him. They had always been outcasts,she was the only reason her father recognized her mother as a human being. Her father impregnated her mother at an early age of 19,an orphan with no family to call hers,a "reject" as her so called relatives had washed their hands off her immediately her parents died in a ghastly motor accident. When she told him about the pregnancy,she got a slap 'cos that was the only reaction that could be given to such a mistake on her part. He had called her all sort of names and even left her but later came back to accept the pregnancy as his but not without leaving her with a statement Ife later found in her diary three days ago.
"I will take responsibility for this mistake. You should have known better than get pregnant,you blackmailing bitch and naïve girl. I have a girl I want to marry,my parents picked her out for me. She is classy,from a great family,she is beautiful and she is all I want in a woman. Now know this,you are nothing and can never be anything like her. I will have a great life with her and there is nothing you can do to ruin my chances with her. This child is going to be the only reason we are bound. I will train the child in school but the child will live with you. I will support him/her in any way I can BUT you must know that I am only responsible for the child and not you."
And so,her mother deferred her admission,gave birth to her and went back to school while juggling menial works to make them survive life. And thus began her story,a child without a father,a struggling mother who never forgot her first love and her own twisted love story.
But then,he made a mistake for her mother would always be more than the woman he married. Radeke,Ife's mother was strong,strong-willed and determined. She had made a good life for them,a comfortable one even after so many years of struggling and hustling.
"Ifedolapo!ki lo n ro?you were so deep in thought. I just delivered your father's.."
"Don't mother! Don't call him my father! He is not my father."
"But he is Ife! You must not hate him,he cares for you."
"Oh,so now he does?and since when?because it seems all those while,I never noticed."
"Ife,sarcasm ill suits you,don't play that game with me. Now you are going to prepare and go visit your family tomorrow."Her mother said.
"No maami,I won't go there."
"Oh,but you will be there Ifedola,o ni ko oro si mi l'enu. Bitterness isn't going to take its root in your heart,never!"She said as she finally dragged the duvet off my body.
"Now get up!"she said authoritatively.
She stopped to look at her mother,the bitterness she so prayed for not to take root in her heart had not only taken root but had spread over the years. She watched as her mother battled with her inner strength to keep from crying. She wouldn't break down in front of her daughter,instead she would go into her room and weep silently as always. Ife wondered when the tears would end. As a child,she had always watched her mother cry from behind closed doors. Her mother would hold out a picture of the man called her father and fall apart even while holding it to her chest. She would say,"ade mi,why did you leave,you promised not to,I thought our love would be eternal". She always said the same thing every time she cried. She chased away every good man that came her way,never gave anyone any chance. Ife grew up knowing love was a mistake never to be made. Love was slowly killing her mother because every day she cried,it was like she would drop from the burden in her heart.
"Why do you still love him?" Ife asked as her mother turned to leave the room.
Her mother turned back with a surprised look on her face.
"What?"she asked.
"You heard me maami. Why do you still love that man?"
"I...but...ife..I" her mother stuttered.
"Mother he is not worth it. As a child,I watched you cry for him. You still do maami. It gets so annoying when I hear you whimper in bed when I pass by your door at midnights. You still cry yourself to sleep. Is your so called love worth it? Why maami?"
"You won't understand Ifedolapo."
"Please make me understand then,I want to."
"You can't Ife,you don't even know what love is. You have always hated the mere mention of that word. You hate romance movies,you hate novels,you don't even attend weddings,not even weddings of your friends. Ifedolapo,you don't love anyone except me. How then can you understand how love works?"
Ife looked at her with pity in her eyes,if only she knew what she was also going through. If only she knew that she had made a terrible mistake by falling for someone. If only she knew that love was just painful,pointless and overrated! But of course she knew,she just never accepted and still doesn't. Her mother had aged over the years out of fatigue,depression,sadness,
hurt and the isolation love had thrown her into.
"I do not wish to understand how it works maami. Infact you know what,fuck love!"Ife screamed.
Her mother broke down in tears, ife wanted to reach out and help her but her stubborn heart wouldn't let her. She stood back instead and watched her cry.
"Ifemi,you must understand what love is. Don't hate love,it is a beautiful thing and do not swear ever again. Fuck love,you say? Well,throw it at the man who has made us feel this way,not the harmless word itself!"she said as she walked out of the room feeling dejected.
Ife picked up a vase and threw it against the wall. Her mother was beginning to infuriate her with her tears and daily sermon about love. The woman had not still learned any lesson. Maybe the saying,"a woman who truly loves you will be angry at you for many things but will still stick around" was true 'cos her mother still prayed for her father every single day. The poor woman still carried him in her heart and that goddamn picture of his never left her bed side. Maybe she would even burn it one of these days and help her mother out of the misery she had put herself into.
"Iranu oshi,love ko,love ni. He should come and drag me to his house now."
She laid down on her bed again and pulled out the diary she took from her mother's luggage. She came across the diary three days ago and the obvious love that emanated from the feelings her mother displayed in the treasured book made Ife hate Mr Olaonipekun the more.
She opened the book and prepared to get more disgusted by her mother's undying love for her wicked father.
"I met him again on the 5th of july,he looked dashing as he looked the first day we met. He finally told me he had never been able to get me out of his head since then and that he would want to be closer to me."
And in his words,"I'm beginning to think I can't go by a day without you,I feel I'm getting addicted to you,I want to see you every second,every day."
Ife scoffed and flipped to 3 pages ahead.
"Guess what?we finally did it today,he promised to love me forever,said he wouldn't leave me,said no matter the circumstance,he would always stay with me. He said I am all he wants in a woman and vowed to always make me his just as he has done now. I love that he is my first."
"Maami used to be dumb oh"ife said angrily before she could catch the words that had dropped out of her mouth unknowingly.
She flipped on and on and finally came to the page that got her angry.
"I went to see him today,I discovered this morning that I am two months gone. He slapped me and told me to leave,never to return. "You never meant anything to me. I thought you were smarter than this,oh,what a mistake! Do you even have a brain?well,you have messed things up. I have a girl I want to spend my life with and you are not her! Just go,go away Radeke,leave!"
I couldn't believe all he said to me, Ade promised not to leave,he promised to stay. No,this isn't happening! No!"
Just that moment,Ife felt her mother's pain and decided there and then to have nothing to do with love. Her mother had really lost it and she would make her see reasons why love will never make her cry as a person.
She closed her mother's diary and picked up her own diary to write again.
"I don't understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night.
How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your lover suddenly changes and how forever turns into never.
I don't understand how you can let go of something that you once thought best for you,how something you love,hurts you the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you,think a few minute of their time is too much to spare.
How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just 'cos it is easier than working things out.
How I miss you becomes we never met.
How I love you loses its meaning and importance.
How attraction becomes irritation
How moments soon become memories.
Isn't it all f**ked up????"
She was an on her way to becoming an ice queen,she wasn't going to be like her mother.
Kitty
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